dHi. I’m Robin, and welcome to my podcast, “Brave Enough: Tales of Mental Health & Survival,” a safe space designated to discuss my experiences living and coping with various mental illnesses daily.
For those who didn't hear the original podcast, I’ll explain in detail what it's like to live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), a mental illness few people comprehend, is misportrayed by the media, and is highly stigmatized even by medical professionals.
For example, when I attempted to overdose for the first time in June 2018, before falling unconscious for a week and ending up on a ventilator for three days, I was awake and lucid and overheard one of the doctors who helped save my life say to the other, "G-d, I hate treating personality disorders."
Until the day I die, I will never forget that comment. The stigma surrounding mental illness, especially personality disorders, is still huge. But if doctors exhibit stigma toward mental illness and personality disorders, one of the most stigmatized types of all mental illnesses, how will society ever accept us?
The media portrays us all as being horrible, terrible, sociopathic, psychopathic lunatics who should be avoided at all costs. And, if doctors, with whom we entrust our lives, talk so shitty about people with personality disorders, especially Borderline personality disorder, how can we ever expect to be accepted into society? We're not all horrible people. Maybe you should try to get to know us as flawed human beings before passing judgment. Better yet, don't judge us. You're not perfect either, and believe me, we didn't ask to be burdened with this illness. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
And that first overdose attempt was the beginning of the end of my relationship with my mother and sister. My ex-fiance didn't understand mental illness and had no interest in learning. He got home from work between 6 pm and 7 pm, ate, and then was online with his role-playing game until between 4 am and 5 am. He spent more time talking to his online role-playing friend than to me, especially when I was depressed. He never had any idea of what to do when I was feeling down, so he went with tough love, telling me if I was going to talk constantly about suicide, I should just do it already. I understand he was frustrated with having to deal with me, which wasn't always easy, but that's one of the stupidest things you can say to someone who already feels unloved and unwanted.
What no one understood at that point was I was suffering from side effects from the new antidepressant my doctor prescribed, one of which was becoming more depressed and increased suicidal ideation. I'd been depressed all my life, and unfortunately, or fortunately, my body builds a tolerance to medications very quickly. When I finally awoke, the doctor told me I had taken enough medication to kill two people, never mind one. But here I am, eight years and two more attempts later.
It was then I forgave my late father, who passed away in 2003 when I was almost 27. I took after him, attitude-wise, and one of my mother's favorite complaints was, "You're your father's daughter," to which I replied every time with, "Good to know you didn't sleep with the mailman!"
Currently, I am estranged from my family. I was told my mother wasn't interested in communicating with me. The myth a mother's love is unconditional is bullshit, although I am grateful she still helps support me financially.
I haven't worked in several years. I lost my job because I was on sick leave too long, and by the time I was somewhat able to return to work, at least part-time, Covid hit, and jobs in my original career in mental health dried up.
So, my only option is to declare bankruptcy, except I have no idea how to go about doing that and no one to ask.
The simplest explanation is my family, my mother and sister, are estranged from me, aside from my mother's financial support. She continues providing me with money but doesn't want to see or speak to me, and right now, doesn't want to be my mother. I've been forbidden from contacting her or my sister, who has blocked me from contacting her in every way possible. She has completely cut me out of her life, and as much as it hurt, I mostly got over losing her. I'll always love her - she's my sister, but she's also more than six years younger than me, and we never had anything in common. When I was going to clubs at 16, she was nine.
I'm even proud of her for opening her social work practice, although given she threw me out of her life, I think the name of her practice, "Love and Loss," is hypocritical because, as far as she's concerned, I don't exist. She got rid of me, cut me out of her life, pays an organization to help me, and has blocked me in every which way possible. She doesn't remember me being the one to protect her from our father: anytime he went after her, and I was home, I would pull him off her and take the beating for her, while our mother locked herself in their bedroom and cried.
It was I who ensured she and our father had a super close relationship - and yes, I can admit I was jealous. I only began to get along with my dad when I moved out of the house at 23, and he died three and a half years later.
So, in her eyes, I'm a liar because she knew a different father than I claimed he was, yet I'm partially responsible for her having such a close relationship with our father.
As we progress, I’ll delve into more personal and in-depth issues I have or am struggling with. I'll also provide more details about my estrangement from my family and how much it hurt me, and almost pushed me over the edge. My mother was my best friend, and I cried every day for 2 1/2 years after being told not to contact her. That occurred more than 4 1/2 years ago, and we haven't seen each other since.
I'll explain why I think I’m a horrible person, and pray every night before going to bed, I won't wake up the following morning.
Also, I’ll discuss how my illnesses cause me to have meltdowns, most recently me sobbing in the pharmacy and the grocery store; my impulsivity and how it’s one of my most troublesome symptoms; how some days I can’t bring myself to clean or shower or do anything but sleep; and how one of my symptoms, uncontrollable anger due to emotional dysregulation, almost got me evicted from my apartment.
I encourage feedback, so please feel free to offer suggestions about which topics you want me to cover and any questions you may have.
What do you prefer? What do you want to read/hear about? All feedback is welcome; I want you to enjoy the stories and articles in the weekly newsletter, as well as the topics I discuss in my podcast.
PLEASE leave a comment with your preferences.
In addition to providing new stories and poems, I want to educate people about the mental illnesses I suffer from and their effects, including Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, ADHD, Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), and various traitxs of Adjustment Personality Disorder (APD), and Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD). I'll also explain the type of therapy I finally found that is slowly helping regulate my emotions, which is a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder.
It won't give me back my family, but I'm slowly learning to come to terms with the fact I'll struggle with these mental illnesses, likely alone, for the rest of my life.
I got dealt a shitty hand of life's cards, but I'm learning to play the best hand I can with the shitty life cards I got dealt.
It's not easy. It's exhausting, discouraging, and lonely, especially knowing that my mother and sister don't want anything to do with me. It broke me, especially since at one time, my mother was my best friend.
Not anymore. My mother doesn't seem to want to be my mother anymore, and I'm sure my sister considers herself an only child, having handed my day-to-day issues over to an organization to deal with, so neither she nor our mother has to have any contact with me.
It's been 4 1/2 years since she last saw me, and she requested the organization hired to deal with me inform me to stop attempting to contact her via any method besides writing letters to her. She still wants to know what's going on in my life, yet refuses to see or speak to me. She certainly doesn't share her life with me. Why should I share mine with her?
What do you think?
Should I continue trying to get her to include me in her life, or should I say goodbye, give up on the possibility of reconciliation, and move on with my life, albeit alone and without a family?
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
I wish you a wonderful week, and until then, I send you light and love❤️
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